1.  I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2.  Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

3.  The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

4.  Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

5.  There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

6.  Life is sexually transmitted.

7.  Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

8.  The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

9.  Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

10.  Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

11.  Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

12.  Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

13.  All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

14.  In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird.  Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

15.  Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

16.  How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?